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After developing some common projects and the promise of a beautiful life, separation is always a failure. For kids is it even more than that, it can develop into a real drama, and it shouldn’t be underestimated.

There is no successful separation, but there can be separations that are less traumatizing. Discussions and tension between parents steal away from the child the pleasurable homelike ambiance, that warmth that offers him safety. If you can’t think of a better solution it’s sometimes better to break up rather than make the child live in such an environment.

The child has to be informed

Being very sensitive, the child will immediately feel something is wrong and he will want to know what exactly. It’s desirable that the separation announcement it’s made by both parents, at a date previous to the actual established or legal separation date. The child needs time to adjust to the new situation. For him family means people that live under the same roof and the idea that mommy or daddy will no longer be there to read him a bedtime story can be very stressful.

Watch your words and gestures

When you decide to announce the separation, try not to make any extreme gestures or remarks regarding your partner. This first conversation will not end the subject, you will have to frequently answer your child’s questions and reassure him that he is not the reason you are breaking up. At small ages, kids tend to think that parents are getting a divorce because of them, that they did something wrong, like breaking your new china or getting a bad report in school. Make sure you explain and exemplify to your child that living separately doesn’t mean you won’t be his parents anymore and make it clear to him that he has nothing to do with your decision. You two are getting a divorce, you are not divorcing your child: “We are not happy together anymore, but we both are very happy with you. We will always be your parents, and our love for you will never change”.

Avoid anger driven words around your child, such as : “Everything would have been perfect if only we didn’t have a child.”, “A child always brings extra problems”, “your coming into the world was the moment we realized it’s simply not working anymore” and so on.

Help your child maintain balance

- assure him of your love and understanding

- never tell him something bad about the other parent

- don’t try to compensate the absence with tons of gifts

- don’t fight in front of him

- keep in touch with all four grandparents just like you did before

- don’t brake any promises regarding visitation days

Even if you have one of the most peaceful separations, there is no magic formula to solve this situation. Each child manifests its suffering in a different way. It all depends on his age, his ego, his behavior and his relationships. The most frequent reactions you can expect of are anger, sleep disorders, school problems, lack of appetite, and sudden lack of communication. The proper solution for you and you child can only by found by you. Be ready to help him whenever he needs you and if you fell you are overwhelmed, get some professional help.

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